Here is the audio if you can’t read or don’t want to:
It’s read fast because it had to be under a certain amount of time in length.
Here is the story in a text way:
He sat at the vast array of security monitors, his hand wedged under a roll of fat just beneath his navel.
He enjoyed rubbing his fingers back and forth in the crevice which eroded away the dead skin.
“Mr. Jorgensnarf, you deserve to finally hear answers to some of the questions you’ve been asking,”
the obese man said as he leaned closer to the microphone, lightly misting the device with coffee-stained spittle.
He lowered his voice to a softer tone to make Jorgensnarf listen more closely.
“In regards to where you are now, well that doesn’t really matter at all. This facility operates independent of
the swedish government, the canadian government, the american government, and just about any other organization
that forms any laws or rules regarding your safety whatsoever. I will however, tell you, that you are at the bottom of a fairly
large, constantly flowing body of water. We have indeed altered your….state… so that even if you do manage to get to the
surface, you will no longer be able to interact with the world you once knew,” he said as he reached into a bag of beef jerky,
pulling out the little baggy of silica gel that kept it dry and preserved.
“I AM A GOOD MAN, I have done nothing wrong, I have taken care of my family, I have never killed or stolen,
why are you doing this to me? where am I?” muttered Jorgensnarf, never raising his head to look at the blinking camera
on the wall in front of him. It appeared to the fat man that the hope had drained completely from Jorgensnarf.
“You are correct Mr. Jorgensnarf, and for that I apologize, we do not scrutinize the people we take, we chose you based
on a social insurance number of sweden selected by a specially designed computer program that keeps our sample size as
diverse as possible.” Drool frothed at the corners of the fat mans mouth as he chewed and swallowed another piece of beef jerky.
“The reason we have been keeping a lot of secrets, is quite frankly, because you probably wouldn’t believe them. I am sure
you will now, after what you have been through.”
Jorgensnarf raised his head and looked directly into the camera,
“You mean making me butter a giant piece of toast!? I was at it for an entire day, and you electrocuted me if at any point I slowed
or stopped carving wheelbarrows of butter. What could this possibly help me to believe!? I am just a simple swedish man.”
Jorgensnarf said, the desperation of his situation ever more present in his voice.
“What I will now tell you will shock you, but it is true, that I promise you Mr. Jorgensnarf,” The fat man hesitated and slurped up
some drool before continuing, ” The nation you know as Sweden, exists solely to create a sample audience for our company,
Bathurwurst Incorporated,” said the fat man.
“You mean for me to believe that Bathurwurst Incorporated, a company that makes no named brand grocery items, granted
every grocery item in Sweden and most of the world, has created the charade of an entire nation so they could have a sample audience?
From which they randomly abduct citizens and take them to this place to butter giant toast and be interrogated like a terrorist?”
Mr. Jorgensnarf said with an anger growing in him.
“My my my… you’ve put the piece together nearly better than I could have explained it to you. That is correct. Do you know
why exactly Bathurwurst Incorporated is the world leader in grocery things!!?!,” The fat man yelled as he grabbed a large
tub of ranch dressing and wheeled his office chair to the other side of the room. He flipped a switch, which clicked on a monitor
beneath the camera in Mr. Jorgensnarf’s chamber.
“THIS IS WHY,” said the fat man as he fumbled open the tub of ranch dressing and plunged in his fat hand, “We have the ability
to engineer the BEST groceries, we make our products the best because we ensure quality all the way down to a microscopic scale!”
said the fat man with a passion as he held up a dripping fistful of ranch dressing to the camera.
“YOU…you’re….you’re mr. Bathurwurst!,” said Jorgensnarf with alarm.
“That’s an astute observation mr. jorgensnarf,” said the fat man as he sucked ranch dressing off of his knuckles.
Mr. Bathurwurst flicked off the camera and lurched to his feet. He waddled over to the door of the security room and slapped a button
on the wall with a fat ranch dressing covered hand that splurged like a wet sponge.
He walked into the chamber Mr. Jorgensnarf was being kept tied to a chair in. Jorgensnarf turned his head to face Bathurwurst as
the heavy metal door slid up into the ceiling with a ‘Fwish’.
Bathurwurst snatched up a chair near the entrance and waddled over to face Jorgensnarf, spinning the chair around and plumping
his girth down on it as he leaned both arms on the back rest.
“Yes that’s right Mr. Jorgensnarf, my company has created the facade of the nation of sweden simply to have a nation of free employees
that will work for our company without pay. Did you ever find it a coincidence that everyone you know is a chef, baker, nutritionist, chemist
or a food inspector? You get paid for your work, but your money is fake, only good in sweden, because it’s a fake currency to make you
feel like you are achieving something.” Bathurwurst smeared his ranch covered hand across his shirt.
As Bathurwurst was looking down at his shirt Jorgensnarf smashed his head into the soft fleshy ball of dough that was the face of
Bathurwurst. The fat man was immediately rendered unconscious and Jorgensnarf fell forward, his chair shattering as it hit the ground.
He scrambled to his feet and fumbled with the rope around his hands, tossing it to the floor.
The door of his chamber remained open. He sprinted through running up a corridor and down another following glowing red exit signs.
Cameras began to follow his movements as he ran and an alarm began to sound.
He came to a door with ‘Exit’ sprawled across the top of it in large letters. Inside was a small tunnel upwards with a ladder. He began
to climb higher and higher. At the top was a small chamber with a button that said, ‘Push to Exit Facility’ and he did just that.
The hatch he had climbed through slammed shut and another hatch opened spewing thousands of gallons of water into the room.
Jorgensnarf tumbled around the room, took a deep breath and dove into the water. When the room was full he swam through the new opening.
Just as he did he was swept up by a strong current that battered him around, he smashed his head on a stone wall and floated lifelessly to
In a public park where the sun was shining and children were running around and playing, a fountain gurgled softly in the afternoon sun.
A pigeon flew down and perched on it’s edge as it plucked at the shrunken and lifeless body of Jorgensnarf before it picked him up and swallowed
him. The pigeon fluttered off into the sky and the park was none the more privy to the hidden and tiny secret headquarters of Bathurwurst
Incorporated in the pretty little fountain.
by Sebastian Koever